****This is my second post of the day. If you don't care about why I'm not breastfeeding, skip down to see a couple cute pictures of the babies.****
First off, know that I've been thinking about what to write in this post for a long time. This is in no way anti-breastfeeding or my list of excuses. It's simply my story and why it didn't work out for me. I'm writing it because as I was dealing with the guilt and frustration of it all, I would have loved to read something like this. A few weeks ago, I was on a fellow twin mom's blog and she explained her story. It helped me immensely and I thought I'd share what happened to me and my baby girls. Trust me, I've been on enough blogs and forums to know that this is a major hot topic among mothers. Once again, I'm just trying to be open and honest about my experience and hopefully I'll be able to make at least one other mom who 'failed' at it feel a little bit better. This is going to be long, so if you don't want to read it all just know that I'm no longer nursing or pumping and I finally feel great about it.
Before I got pregnant, I didn't give much thought to nursing. I'll admit, I always assumed that I would be an expert at it and I'd stop when my kids got teeth (the thought of them chopping down on me with little fangs has never been appealing). Once I got pregnant, I started doing a little bit of research on it. Then, when I found out I was having twins, my casual research turned into major, in depth studying. I read about supply, positions, latching, etc. I read books, and did a sufficient amount of research. I felt prepared. I bought the GIANT twin nursing pillow (the boppy on steroids) talked to moms, and again, did more and more research. Breastfeeding was going to be free (well...sorta. I'll touch on that in a bit), convenient (again, sort of...) and the best for my daughters. I had my mind made up. That's what I was going to do. I even brushed off the thought of getting a pump because I was sure I was going to be that good at it.
Oh how ignorant I was.
Fast forward to the NICU stay. I realize my babies were only in the hospital for 4 days. There are plenty of NICU stays for weeks and weeks that don't interfere with breastfeeding. I guess I should have been more proactive in demanding to nurse my babies, but I didn't really care (yes, some would automatically flame me as being an awful mother). Of course I wanted to hold my babies and let them know I loved them, but I never had an overwhelming desire to nurse them. Plus, I didn't know if I could. And by could I mean allowed. Nobody ever said anything. I started pumping on the first night and they had bottles with donated breast milk filled with 15 ML for each baby and Josh would feed one while I fed the other. Seriously, nobody said anything about actually breastfeeding. Again, I should have asked, but I was more concerned with their heart rate, oxygen level and getting them home.
I figured there was still plenty of time to get the nursing thing down.
So, I went to a breastfeeding class on the 3rd day in the hospital. It was about a half hour and it wasn't anything I hadn't heard or read before. The lactation consultant was shocked that I hadn't tried nursing my babies and promised to meet me in their room 15 minutes later. When she arrived, I tried it for the first time. I'll admit, I've always been very modest (I didn't even like changing my shirt in front of my closest friends, let alone be half naked in front of a stranger) and I was very awkward about it. More than that though, I didn't feel anymore of a connection than when I was bottle feeding. Call me crazy, but I didn't. I worked with the LC for over an hour nursing each baby separately and then both together. By this point I was in pain, feeling super exposed and not enjoying the experience at all. From the actual act of nursing to the pressure the babies and pillows were putting on my incision from the c-section, it was all around uncool. However, the next day I continued to work with a different LC and just before we went home I was filled with a little more confidence that this was going to work out.
However, my milk still hadn't come in. Like, not at all. I pumped every two hours in the hospital and I could tell that the nurses didn't really believe me. They were actually pretty rude about it. The last nurse I worked with was confident my milk come in that weekend (babies born on a Monday, we went home on a Thursday) but strongly suggested getting a pump. So we rented one (I was still convinced that I wasn't going to need one long term) and we headed home.
I pumped like a mad woman and nothing came until Sunday. It took 7 days for anything to happen. Some people think c-sections have something to do with it, but I know several women who have been able to nurse while being stitched up. Plus, my water broke naturally, I wasn't induced. My body naturally went into labor, so who knows what my deal was. That first weekend home with the babies was the HARDEST couple of days of my life. I'm not kidding when I say that I got an average of 4 hours of sleep a day. The babies were waking up every 1 1/2-2 hours to eat and by the time we got both kids taken care of, we would catch maybe a half hour of snooze time. I was paranoid of something going wrong and a walking zombie (random, but is anyone watching The Walking Dead series on A&E? Super creepy, but I can't stop watching it. Haha!). I tried to nurse during the day, but they would scream and scream and scream. I tried feeding them a bottle first and then nursing, but they would instantly fall asleep. I was also having a really hard time nursing both of them at once. I'd get one going and the other would sneeze and ruin it for both of them. Screams would burst out and I'd join right in with their cries.
It was awful.
About a week later, I missed a call from the original LC I worked with. I didn't call her back because (I'll admit) I was embarrassed. I didn't want to pay $30 for her stupid class and I was slowly loosing any appeal for breastfeeding that I once had. I continued to pump, but the babies were only getting about 50% my milk. Remember, they were only eating 1 oz every two hours and I was pumping for 20 minutes every two hours. That's not a lot of milk at all.
So, I started doing research on low milk supply. In all my previous research, I skipped over this because it didn't even cross my mind that I would have this problem (don't ask me why...). I read up on food and herbs that women swore by and went shopping. The biggest thing that helped me was fenugreek. However, in order for it to have any effect on my supply, I had to take 10 pills a day. It also made everything smell like maple syrup. I mean everything. My skin, hair, pee, sweat... I was a walking waffle. It also didn't come cheap. I think we got a bottle of 100 pills at GNC for about $12. That's a 10 day supply. It would have been awesome if it boosted my supply enough for both girls, but even with the fenugreek and pumping every two hours, they were only getting about 60% of my milk.
They tell you to nurse, nurse, nurse to get your supply up, but that didn't work either since the babies only latched for a few minutes at a time. My pediatrician said to go one weekend without offering a single bottle. Sorry doc, but after 6 hours of starving my babies and having them SCREAM constantly, I gave in. They were nursing better, but still not getting full. By this point they were up to 2 oz every 2 hours and I was making 2 oz. Only enough for one baby.
This went on for about a month. I'd nurse, give formula and pump. It was brutal. My supply hardly increased at all. I think at my peak I was getting 3 oz (6 total) every 2 hours. Sadly, that didn't happen until they were eating 4 oz each. I was never able to keep up with my growing girls.
By mid September, I made the decision to stop nursing. I still wanted to give my babies breast milk, but doing my routine of nurse/bottle/pump was killing me, so I devoted myself to pumping. Again, I was doing it every two hours and tried several 'power pump' sessions (look it up) and nothing special happened. I couldn't get past my peak amount. By the end of October, I had had it. I was so frustrated with my body, my inability to to provide the 'best' for my babies and was WAY too sleep deprived.
Then we moved. Packing up the apartment in a week, traveling down to Salt Lake 3 times in that week and taking care of newborn twins while trying to pump was the most ridiculous thing ever. Plus, I was very emotional because I didn't want to move at all. I was really depressed over the idea. I went several days only pumping once or twice and I'm sure you can imagine what that did to my already pathetic milk supply.
After about a week in our new place, I told Josh I was done and he was more than ok with it. He wanted me to stop stressing and crying over it. I continued to pump about 3 times a day so I wouldn't hurt (not that I've ever experienced being full) and mourned the fact that days that my girls would be getting my milk was rapidly coming to an end. By Halloween, I was getting about 3 oz total in the entire day.
Then, the guilt set in. I made the stupid mistake of looking on the Breastfeeding Multiples board on babycenter and I read all about how wonderful, beneficial and even spiritual breastfeeding can be. I felt a guilt like I'd never felt before and considered myself a huge failure. I secretly started taking fenugreek again and pumped during the day. It was a joke. I was back to the NICU days all over again. I researched how to relactate and realized that very few women have success. Those who do have success were super lactaters (I doubt that's a word) to begin with. I'm actually embarrassed at how hard I tried.
The last time I pumped was the day before Thanksgiving.
I drew out the agony WAY too long.
Even now I feel slightly guilty. Women are hard on each other and VERY opinionated. There are thousands of women (and a handful of men who apparently care) out there who make formula feeding moms feel guilty. Trust me, I've felt plenty of guilt and I truly want to know what it's like to enjoy nursing a baby. However, I ended up making a list of why I'm ok with my decision and it made me feel tons better. The list looked something like this.
So there you have it. I am the crunchy mother's worse nightmare. I had a c-section and formula feed my babies. Both pretty taboo subjects in mommy world. I'm ok with it because the c-section saved my life and formula has saved my sanity.
This post took me over a week to compile. I'm not sure if anyone will read it, but I hope that someone will benefit from something I said.
And I'll leave you with what my favorite ladies on television think about it.
I love these women.
So much.
First off, know that I've been thinking about what to write in this post for a long time. This is in no way anti-breastfeeding or my list of excuses. It's simply my story and why it didn't work out for me. I'm writing it because as I was dealing with the guilt and frustration of it all, I would have loved to read something like this. A few weeks ago, I was on a fellow twin mom's blog and she explained her story. It helped me immensely and I thought I'd share what happened to me and my baby girls. Trust me, I've been on enough blogs and forums to know that this is a major hot topic among mothers. Once again, I'm just trying to be open and honest about my experience and hopefully I'll be able to make at least one other mom who 'failed' at it feel a little bit better. This is going to be long, so if you don't want to read it all just know that I'm no longer nursing or pumping and I finally feel great about it.
Before I got pregnant, I didn't give much thought to nursing. I'll admit, I always assumed that I would be an expert at it and I'd stop when my kids got teeth (the thought of them chopping down on me with little fangs has never been appealing). Once I got pregnant, I started doing a little bit of research on it. Then, when I found out I was having twins, my casual research turned into major, in depth studying. I read about supply, positions, latching, etc. I read books, and did a sufficient amount of research. I felt prepared. I bought the GIANT twin nursing pillow (the boppy on steroids) talked to moms, and again, did more and more research. Breastfeeding was going to be free (well...sorta. I'll touch on that in a bit), convenient (again, sort of...) and the best for my daughters. I had my mind made up. That's what I was going to do. I even brushed off the thought of getting a pump because I was sure I was going to be that good at it.
Oh how ignorant I was.
Fast forward to the NICU stay. I realize my babies were only in the hospital for 4 days. There are plenty of NICU stays for weeks and weeks that don't interfere with breastfeeding. I guess I should have been more proactive in demanding to nurse my babies, but I didn't really care (yes, some would automatically flame me as being an awful mother). Of course I wanted to hold my babies and let them know I loved them, but I never had an overwhelming desire to nurse them. Plus, I didn't know if I could. And by could I mean allowed. Nobody ever said anything. I started pumping on the first night and they had bottles with donated breast milk filled with 15 ML for each baby and Josh would feed one while I fed the other. Seriously, nobody said anything about actually breastfeeding. Again, I should have asked, but I was more concerned with their heart rate, oxygen level and getting them home.
I figured there was still plenty of time to get the nursing thing down.
So, I went to a breastfeeding class on the 3rd day in the hospital. It was about a half hour and it wasn't anything I hadn't heard or read before. The lactation consultant was shocked that I hadn't tried nursing my babies and promised to meet me in their room 15 minutes later. When she arrived, I tried it for the first time. I'll admit, I've always been very modest (I didn't even like changing my shirt in front of my closest friends, let alone be half naked in front of a stranger) and I was very awkward about it. More than that though, I didn't feel anymore of a connection than when I was bottle feeding. Call me crazy, but I didn't. I worked with the LC for over an hour nursing each baby separately and then both together. By this point I was in pain, feeling super exposed and not enjoying the experience at all. From the actual act of nursing to the pressure the babies and pillows were putting on my incision from the c-section, it was all around uncool. However, the next day I continued to work with a different LC and just before we went home I was filled with a little more confidence that this was going to work out.
However, my milk still hadn't come in. Like, not at all. I pumped every two hours in the hospital and I could tell that the nurses didn't really believe me. They were actually pretty rude about it. The last nurse I worked with was confident my milk come in that weekend (babies born on a Monday, we went home on a Thursday) but strongly suggested getting a pump. So we rented one (I was still convinced that I wasn't going to need one long term) and we headed home.
I pumped like a mad woman and nothing came until Sunday. It took 7 days for anything to happen. Some people think c-sections have something to do with it, but I know several women who have been able to nurse while being stitched up. Plus, my water broke naturally, I wasn't induced. My body naturally went into labor, so who knows what my deal was. That first weekend home with the babies was the HARDEST couple of days of my life. I'm not kidding when I say that I got an average of 4 hours of sleep a day. The babies were waking up every 1 1/2-2 hours to eat and by the time we got both kids taken care of, we would catch maybe a half hour of snooze time. I was paranoid of something going wrong and a walking zombie (random, but is anyone watching The Walking Dead series on A&E? Super creepy, but I can't stop watching it. Haha!). I tried to nurse during the day, but they would scream and scream and scream. I tried feeding them a bottle first and then nursing, but they would instantly fall asleep. I was also having a really hard time nursing both of them at once. I'd get one going and the other would sneeze and ruin it for both of them. Screams would burst out and I'd join right in with their cries.
It was awful.
About a week later, I missed a call from the original LC I worked with. I didn't call her back because (I'll admit) I was embarrassed. I didn't want to pay $30 for her stupid class and I was slowly loosing any appeal for breastfeeding that I once had. I continued to pump, but the babies were only getting about 50% my milk. Remember, they were only eating 1 oz every two hours and I was pumping for 20 minutes every two hours. That's not a lot of milk at all.
So, I started doing research on low milk supply. In all my previous research, I skipped over this because it didn't even cross my mind that I would have this problem (don't ask me why...). I read up on food and herbs that women swore by and went shopping. The biggest thing that helped me was fenugreek. However, in order for it to have any effect on my supply, I had to take 10 pills a day. It also made everything smell like maple syrup. I mean everything. My skin, hair, pee, sweat... I was a walking waffle. It also didn't come cheap. I think we got a bottle of 100 pills at GNC for about $12. That's a 10 day supply. It would have been awesome if it boosted my supply enough for both girls, but even with the fenugreek and pumping every two hours, they were only getting about 60% of my milk.
They tell you to nurse, nurse, nurse to get your supply up, but that didn't work either since the babies only latched for a few minutes at a time. My pediatrician said to go one weekend without offering a single bottle. Sorry doc, but after 6 hours of starving my babies and having them SCREAM constantly, I gave in. They were nursing better, but still not getting full. By this point they were up to 2 oz every 2 hours and I was making 2 oz. Only enough for one baby.
This went on for about a month. I'd nurse, give formula and pump. It was brutal. My supply hardly increased at all. I think at my peak I was getting 3 oz (6 total) every 2 hours. Sadly, that didn't happen until they were eating 4 oz each. I was never able to keep up with my growing girls.
By mid September, I made the decision to stop nursing. I still wanted to give my babies breast milk, but doing my routine of nurse/bottle/pump was killing me, so I devoted myself to pumping. Again, I was doing it every two hours and tried several 'power pump' sessions (look it up) and nothing special happened. I couldn't get past my peak amount. By the end of October, I had had it. I was so frustrated with my body, my inability to to provide the 'best' for my babies and was WAY too sleep deprived.
Then we moved. Packing up the apartment in a week, traveling down to Salt Lake 3 times in that week and taking care of newborn twins while trying to pump was the most ridiculous thing ever. Plus, I was very emotional because I didn't want to move at all. I was really depressed over the idea. I went several days only pumping once or twice and I'm sure you can imagine what that did to my already pathetic milk supply.
After about a week in our new place, I told Josh I was done and he was more than ok with it. He wanted me to stop stressing and crying over it. I continued to pump about 3 times a day so I wouldn't hurt (not that I've ever experienced being full) and mourned the fact that days that my girls would be getting my milk was rapidly coming to an end. By Halloween, I was getting about 3 oz total in the entire day.
Then, the guilt set in. I made the stupid mistake of looking on the Breastfeeding Multiples board on babycenter and I read all about how wonderful, beneficial and even spiritual breastfeeding can be. I felt a guilt like I'd never felt before and considered myself a huge failure. I secretly started taking fenugreek again and pumped during the day. It was a joke. I was back to the NICU days all over again. I researched how to relactate and realized that very few women have success. Those who do have success were super lactaters (I doubt that's a word) to begin with. I'm actually embarrassed at how hard I tried.
The last time I pumped was the day before Thanksgiving.
I drew out the agony WAY too long.
Even now I feel slightly guilty. Women are hard on each other and VERY opinionated. There are thousands of women (and a handful of men who apparently care) out there who make formula feeding moms feel guilty. Trust me, I've felt plenty of guilt and I truly want to know what it's like to enjoy nursing a baby. However, I ended up making a list of why I'm ok with my decision and it made me feel tons better. The list looked something like this.
- Bottle feeding allows Josh, family and friends to feed the babies.
- I didn't have any of the 'perks' that supposedly come with breastfeeding. It didn't help me loose weight and it didn't (TMI) stop any monthly female visitor from finding me.
- I am still able to bond tremendously with my babies while they drink their bottle.
- I don't have to stress about tandem nursing in public. Again, I've always been very modest and for the life of me, I can't figure out a way to modestly nurse two babies in front of others. I know one twin mom who exclusively nurses and she said that she has only gotten out of the house a small handful of times because of it. Ummm...no thanks, that's not for me.
- Formula for two is expensive, but with couponing, getting free samples and buying it on KSL (the black market for baby food) it isn't that bad. Plus, I save BIG bucks with cloth diapering. In the almost 4 months that the babies have been here, I think we've spent maybe $75 on diapers. Really though, it's probably more like $50 and I'll continue to save until they're potty trained.
- Formula is a lot let stressful for me. No pills, no calorie counting, no pumping/nursing sessions. I make the bottles and feed them all within 10 minutes. I don't stress about bottles a fifth as much as I stressed about my supply.
So there you have it. I am the crunchy mother's worse nightmare. I had a c-section and formula feed my babies. Both pretty taboo subjects in mommy world. I'm ok with it because the c-section saved my life and formula has saved my sanity.
This post took me over a week to compile. I'm not sure if anyone will read it, but I hope that someone will benefit from something I said.
And I'll leave you with what my favorite ladies on television think about it.
I love these women.
So much.
