I should be sleeping

*Disclaimer. This post ended up being a lot more of a rant than I intended it to be. Sorry, but it felt good to get it all out. I threw in some random twin pictures at the bottom to appease those that just come here to look at cute pictures. So be warned, this is a grumpy post...

I have a hard time sleeping when Josh is working the graveyard shift. Like a really hard time sleeping. I'm not sure why just having Josh next to me makes all the difference, but it's nights like this where my mind races a zillion miles a minute. I think about anything and everything and start to worry. I can be a big worrier, so sometimes being left alone with my thoughts isn't a good idea. Luckily, the things I'm currently worrying about aren't too big of a deal (well, I guess that's a matter of opinion...) but there are a few things that no matter how distracted I get, still hang over my head. It's frustrating because I know that worrying and thinking about situations I can't control doesn't do any good. In fact, it does harm. So how do I stop? Hopefully I figure it out. My sanity needs it... 

On a semi-related note, can I confess that I'm done with school? Mentally, I've completely checked out. I'm over it. I hate it. I don't want to continue. So why am I? Well, I'm about 3 classes away from getting my degree. Two stats classes and my capstone. That's it. I'm soooo close, but yet I feel like it's years away (maybe that's because it pretty much is) I'll be taking each of those classes, one at a time (thank you, pre-reqs) so it's going to be 3 more semesters. 3 looong semesters. Going to school when you're in a college town, surrounded by students isn't that bad. I really enjoyed the time in our marriage when Josh and I would both come home and do homework. We'd meet on campus and have lunch together. We'd wait for each other to get out of classes. We'd text about how boring our classes were. It was easy. And before that, I always had roommates that were going to school. It was motivating. I had friends in my classes, my coworkers were students, we talked about exams and upcoming breaks. 

Now? Nothing. It's just me and a computer screen. 

I hate that I don't have actual lectures and discussions to participate in. I hate that nobody I associate with is going to school (well, that's near me). I hate that I waited to take stats until the very, very end. Didn't I know how unmotivated I would be? Didn't I remember that I've already failed it, so I probably should have retaken it on campus where I'd have extra help? 

But mostly I hate that I'm not finished. It was really hard for me when Josh graduated. I actually cried a lot that day. You see, *I* should have graduated right along with him. That's when most people I went to high school with graduated. That's when my roommates graduated. Me? Nope. I did not. I was pretty down on myself that day and my mom was quick to remind me that I was growing two children. I guess I could have used that as an excuse, but guess what? It didn't matter. That had nothing to do with why I didn't have a cap on my head. The truth is that I failed two classes and there were some semesters that I only took 12 credits. Plus, I switched majors a time or two (ok, I guess just technically once, but I unofficially changed it twice). That's why I didn't graduate that day. Who cares that I was pregnant. I'm sure a lot of pregnant women graduated that day. My lack of graduating was my fault and my fault alone. And I feel like it's still my fault that I'm not done. Sure I haven't given up since having the girls and I've continued to go straight through, but I should have taken summer classes. I should have not put off stats. I should have pushed myself harder. Now, here I am unable to push myself anymore. The school won't let me. I've got to take at least 3 more semesters when I should have been done TWO YEARS ago. 

It makes me sick.

*Sigh* 

And now Lillian is crying. This girl needs to start sleeping through the night. I've been saying that since... the day she was born? She goes through phases where she'll sleep well for a week or so, but on average, she's up at least once or twice at night. I am tired. 

So how do I fix myself? How do I forget about my problems, finish school and get Lillian to sleep through the night? I've got about 7 more hours until I'm supposed to meet my friend to go running (granted, that's if the girls don't wake up when we're supposed to go) so I guess I have that long to mull it all over in my mind. Grrrrr... Who wants to come have a sleepover with me? I've got a king size bed and I'll even kick the giant stuffed animals out. ;)

And just for good measure, here's a couple of recent(ish) instagrams. If we're instagram buddies, these are old news. They're still cute though. Incredibly cute. Lillian is sporting the Mr. Potato Head glasses and Sophie is reading about Mr. Brown.

I just love them.

OH!
And on a very positive note, Regina Spektor's new album is really good. I've been listening to it all day and I've decided that I must see her in concert again. Specifically with this girl and her little sidekick, Hailey (who does have a blog, but hasn't written in over a year. Boo on her.). You can bet your bottom dollar that when Miss Spektor comes to Salt Lake again, we'll be there!

This is not safe.

So, I'm sure you've all heard of this story in the news, right? (And now apparently the mom is claiming she doesn't know the guy?!) Well, earlier that day I had been folding laundry on my bed. I heard the girls giggling uncontrollably down the hall, so I grabbed my camera in hopes to catch some cute pictures. This is what I found. 

 

I mostly love this one for Lillian's (blurry) face. This her her, "Don't ask me why she's freaking out. I didn't do anything" look.

So I obviously left the laundry door open as well as the dryer door. That's a pretty big mistake that I didn't even realize until later that night when I watched the news. Granted, the dad or I guess, man put the baby in the washing machine on purpose, but it still made me feel guilty. And it made me realize that these that these girls really are capable of anything. I mean, a hair brush and a tube of toothpaste? I can't just assume that they won't get into trouble when they play. I've always been well aware of that (as proven by the state of my messy house) but the story hit a little close to home considering these pictures were being taken hours before I saw the story. 

So be careful. And let's not talk about how we need to do something about where our knives are stored. Because yeah... the girls can get into those too. This toddler twin thing is going to put me in my grave!

In other news, who's excited for SYTYCD tonight? I sure am. I can't wait to see dances like this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one and this one (notice the serious contemporary undertones of my choices...). Of course we've got to get through the painful tryouts before we get to the good stuff, but I can't wait.

I miss dance.
So much so that I really would love to turn my basement into a dance studio. We should probably add another bedroom or two though. That would be the practical thing to do, but it's the perfect size for a little studio with mirrored walls.

 *sigh*
A girl can dream, can't I?

Scenes from our morning.

Here's what our morning looked like.

  

Don't mind the cropped off feet and the crazy harsh shadow. Lillian was acting incredibly crazy and there was simply no time to worry about the camera's settings. The pictures simply needed to be taken.

Sadly, I didn't catch the scene where I was chasing a butt naked toddler (Sophie) and her diapered twin (Lillian) through our neighbor's yard. I had a nice surprise (a poppy diaper) on the porch to clean up too. Darn those velcro diapers... Looks like the "no pants = snaps" rule needs to reinforced...

Happy Monday!

General Happiness part 2

This is the first post ever from my iPod, so who knows how the format will be, or how long it will take, but I have a sleeping Lillian on my lap and I'm almost scared to breathe in fear of waking her. I want to get something happy on my blog, so here are some more things that make me generally happy.

 Stripes. The vast majority of my clothing has stripes on them. I'm definitely obsessed.

Getting my hair cut. That's happening today and it's due time. My last cut was an entire year ago. Literally! My great debate is if I should get bangs or not. I've got a couple hours to decide.

 The sound of bacon cooking. Bacon definitely makes my list of top 5 favorite foods. Hearing it crackle in the pan is one of the greatest sounds in the world.

Having things to look forward to. Like a good friend moving closer to me in a few weeks, or another good friend having a baby this summer, or another friend's wedding this fall.

The fact that Lillian can put on her own socks.

 Planning our yard.

 A husband who knows when to tell his wife, "yes".

Early morning runs. Yep, that's right. I do that now and it's been really good for me.

Getting caught up on laundry and dishes. I'm not quite there yet, but when I am, I know it will make me happy. :)

Going to parks.

 Wearing skirts.

Reading old journals.

 Hearing my girls giggle together from the other room.

 Thinking about going to the state fair with the girls this year.

 Sophie's obsession with toes.

The fact that Lillian is still asleep in my arms.

 And there you have it. Things that are making me happy today.

Edited to add: 

Do you guys ever go back and look through your blog at the post from a year ago? Maybe I'm the only one who does that, but I just did it and this was my post a year ago today. I remember that day vividly. I remember thinking that I was never going to be able to get anything done because the girls were crawling around everywhere.  I remember being overwhelmed with the mess in our apartment. Now I've got two babies running around in a house. And the mess? Oh it's about 8 times as bad. Luckily (or maybe unluckily) I've gotten over the need to have everything look perfect. But boy was it nice when I could contain them on the bed with a stack of pillows...

At the risk of sounding dramatic

This week has been rotten. Absolutely rotten. And it doesn't look like it's going to get better any time soon. But I'm trying to count my blessings and see the positives in my life. 

Like my great, supportive husband. And my great family (especially feeling grateful for my dad these past few days). And my great friends. And my integrity. And my great kids.

These girls seem to know when mom is feeling down and the pull out their crazy antics. 

 

Sophie found one of my old headbands, put it on and started dancing.
Future D.Co president for sure.

I really do have the best little girls out there. They make me laugh even when all I want to do is cry and feel sorry for myself.

Here's to hoping next week is better. I'm really, really hoping. 

You remind me of the babe

I hope you're all singing this song after reading the title of this post. If not, shame on you. Oh and p.s. our comma key magically started working again! Anyway...

People are always asking me which twin cries more, which twin is happier, which twin is blah, blah, blah... In fact, sometimes I'll get, "but I thought Lillian was the shy one?" or "Wasn't it Sophie that really likes puppies?" Well, sometimes Sophie is shy and sometimes Lillian likes puppies. Yes, they are twins and it's easy to compare them, but they're also human beings. Individual human beings who are capable of straying from their stereotyped traits. Anyway (for the second time)....

Lately, Lillian has been acting like Sophie did when she was a baby. When they were infants, Lillian was really, really easy. Like so easy that at times I wondered why everything told me twins were their worst nightmare or that I'd need all this live in help, or that I would never want anymore children. It really was almost like having one baby. Yes, at times it got crazy, but for the most part, Lillian ate, pooped, smiled a little and then went to sleep again. Easy. Sophie on the other hand was trickier. She required to be held a certain way, she needed her bottle warmed just right, she woke up more, she cried more, she had this creepy scowl she's shoot your way if she didn't approve of what you were doing. Overall, she was just harder. But oh how the tables have turned.

Every single day last week we dealt with a tantrum of Lillian proportions. Maybe it's just normal toddler behavior, but that would make Sophie's tantrums very abnormal. Take last Tuesday for instance. I was feeding the girls the last part of breakfast (apple sauce) when I ran out. No big deal because I bought an entire case of it a few months back. As soon as I stood up to refill the bowl, Lillian lost it. She instantly lost it. Slamming her hands and head on her high chair tray, grabbing her hair, tears streaming down her face, etc. It was quite entertaining for Sophie and I, but more so just frustrating. It wasn't like she was starving. She had just eaten two full eggs. She was just throwing a tantrum. I got her out because she was in no state of mind to continue eating and I let her hash it out on the ground. I know you're supposed to ignore temper tantrums if you can and not draw extra attention to them, but I have a hard time knowing when it's actually time to step in and discipline. I tried to distract her, but she would have it. She was throwing toys, hitting me, and slamming herself on the ground. I've done "time outs" in our pack 'n play, but it was upstairs so I just took her to her crib and let her scream. Absolutely ridiculous. 

And this has been happening daily for a little over a week. Luckily, Josh has been home, so I'm not alone in these horrible moments, but I've cracked a few times. Like the other day when I ran up to my room and left the three of them in the living room to figure it out. I don't know if she's cutting a molar, not getting enough sleep (well I definitely know that's playing a huge roll because she hasn't slept through the night more than once or twice in the last two weeks) or what, but I need to figure it out. A friend suggested that I look into the food dye red #40 because it's been linked to behavioral issues. Turns out red #40 is in virtually everything so I think we're going to try to keep an eye out for it. Lillian is more sensitive out of the pair (skin and digestive system wise at least) so I'm thinking it can't hurt to cut that out of her/their diet. 

I don't know guys, I've seen some pretty good fits in my day, but Lillian is to the point that I'm almost scared. She bites herself, pull her hair, slaps anyone around her, and goes ballistic over the littlest things. Her sippy cup is out of milk? She has a meltdown. She can't get the puzzle piece in it's place? She has a meltdown. Her sister get the last bite of something? She has a meltdown. She gets told "no" she has a meltdown. 

I really should try to get one of these fits on camera because I'm sure you're all thinking, "Well my two year old sounds just like her. It's normal. You have a toddler..." but seriously, I've worked with kids and have worked with people with disabilities. I've definitely seen my fair share of meltdowns (some to the point where by-standards have wanted to call 911)  and I'm continually shocked by her. 

Here's a glimpse at the apple sauce meltdown, right before I took her out. Don't mind the crooked picture or the babies with their shirts half off. They did it themselves and thought they were hilarious (which they were).

 

 I guess it's time to re-listen to and really take notes on that Love And Logic toddler addition CD my neighbor let me borrow. Lillian is kicking my trash, people. My sweet, calm, innocent Lillian has turned into the infant Sophie, only much, much scarier.

Heaven help us. It's just a phase, right?

Oh and did I mention that she isn't sleeping? Every day for the past week she's gotten up at least twice. Last night, she refused to even sleep in our bed and I had to take her downstairs and caress her face while she fell asleep to Elmo. That and Josh trying to get his body used to graves week has made us all a little zombie like. And as entertaining as The Walking Dead is, it's NOT fun to live it... 

My new favorite

I just love it. 

21

21 months. Let's dive right in... Oh but before I start I feel like I need to point out that the comma button isn't working on our keyboard (thank you babies) so know that I do know how to use commas (most of the time) but can't. I mean look at that sentence...is it driving you nuts yet? I apologize if you can't stand to read this post. I HATE when people don't use commas in their writing.

 I apologize greatly. Also most of these pictures aren't edited. I just haven't had the motivation so try to imagine these images a little brighter and a little more saturated. :)

Sophie

 

 

 

I'm not sure what to say about this girl. She has such a crazy personality. She does things she knows is funny just to get a reaction out of you. She's got a really good sense of humor and perfect comedic timing. She especially likes when things fall. She's the kid that will go up to any tower any stack of books any pile of crap on the table (BAH! I need commas!) and knock them over. She thinks it's hilarious. This includes knocking herself over too. She'll spin in circles until she gets so dizzy that she falls over and then laughs and laughs about it and then gets up and does it 7 more times. She's nuts. 

Sophie isn't a very big eater. She usually will only eat 2-3 bites of food for every 5 that Lillian takes. Even with sweet stuff (cookies candy etc) she'll usually not finish it. She's too busy running around to eat I guess. 

Sophie loves animals. Specifically puppies. We've got 3 neighbors with them (that are right next to us/that she knows about) and she's always trying to go find them. She freaks out when she sees them in books on tv or outside. Poor girl better get used to looking at everyone else's puppies because she'll probably never have a dog. That's a story for another day though...

Sophie is smart. She talks all the time and mimics the last word in almost every sentence she hears. She's constantly asking "wuzz dat?" And when you tell her she usually repeats it. Really she's mimicked well over 100 words but her staples are (this will be another time I really wish I could use commas)  tree kitty puppy sister (said si-der. possibly my favorite) please (eeese) car ball bath (a whispered rendition of ball) bird tweet water juice milk food Elmo (melmo) Jesus thanks moon shoe toe ear eye bum teeth nose knee hi bye and a bunch of other words I'm probably missing. Really this kid is a chatter box. 

She loves going to the park. We have several right by our house and she isn't afraid of going down any of the slides by herself. A couple weeks ago I wasn't keeping the best eye on her (oops...) and noticed that she was coming out of the big twisty tube slide (you know Kelsey like the one you peed in... HAHA!) all on her own. She was giggling and raced to go down it again. She isn't afraid of anything

This kid is an observer. She watches everything and copies what you do. Everything. From trying to change her own diaper to getting ice out of the fridge to putting on shoes to...well everything. She's gotten really smart this past month and has is constantly figuring things out. 

Lillian 

 

 

 

 

Lillian is my cheeser. She's usually really happy and that happiness comes with lots and lots of wide smiles and giggles. She's simple adorable. 

However when she's mad she is MAD. I don't know what's been going on with her these past couple of days but she's thrown at least one 10 minute tantrum every day this week. Yesterday I ended up letting her scream in her crib for 15 minutes because nothing would calm her down. Is she teething? (don't think so) Sick? (again don't think so) Ticked off at her sister? (ding! ding! ding!) She gets so angry that she clenches her jaw shakes and specifically goes after Sophie to hit or bite her. I don't know what to do with this one. She freaks me out sometimes... 

But that's not how she is most of the time. She's still my only baby that I can count on to for a good cuddle. She's still obsessed with our next door neighbors (specifically our male neighbor although she definitely has a huge soft spot for his wife) and still loves her daddy. She's got a lot of love in that little body and it makes me really happy. 

Lillian can say any word that Sophie can but she just chooses not to. She does talk just not as much as her sister. She still is really good about signing 'please' but she now also says it along with the sign. She understand a ton though and will even follow simple commands like "go get your shoes" and things like that (which her sister definitely does not). I wish I could be in her mind because you can tell that she's always thinking of what she's going to do next. She's a smart one that Lillian Jean. 

Lillian is always dancing (whereas Sophie is always playing with a ball). It gives me hopes that maybe they'll be interested in different things thus cutting down on twin competition. I encourage Lillian's dancing a lot though and we have daily dance parties together. Sophie usually just stares at us like we're crazy. Lillian however loves it. She know how to shake it. ;)

Oh and Lillian is aaaaallll girl. She loves her watch (see picture below) loves her shoes and loves pretending to put on mommy's makeup. This paired with dance makes me believe that she definitely will not be a tomboy. 

We've basically taken Lillian off of dairy. She's got eczema pretty bad (you can see a spot in the first picture of her) and I feel like we've tried everything. I read that dairy can trigger the problem so we've switched her to almond milk. It's expensive but I've definitely noticed that her spots are getting less red and less scaly. Hopefully they continue to go away! But it's been interesting having to keep track of who's cup is who's. I've never done that before. Not with bottles not with tooth brushes not with binkies not with diapers... they've just shared everything. That's not the case anymore and sometimes I forget and then have a panic attack if I see Lillian drinking out of the cup with cow's milk. Poor kid. Such a complicated life... 

And together

The girl's new favorite activity is getting and being naked. They are always trying to take their clothes and diapers off. They think it's hilarious and giggle the entire time as their undressing. We've found that some shirts are easier to get off than others and if they're not wearing "equal" shirts the kid that can't get naked as quickly has a meltdown. It's a little ridiculous....

The girls love it when I say "Where's your sister?!" They tilt their heads towards each other say hi and start giggling uncontrollably. They love each other. 

But they also fight like banshees. I play referee at least 3 times a day but luckily the girls are quick to forgive each other. 

Their obsessed with taking baths. Sophie asks for one several times a day and Lillian drops whatever she's doing and races for the tub when she hears the water running. 

They love being outside and would spend their entire lives out there if I let them. 

Josh is still their #1 person when it comes to play. They want me when they're sad or want milk or something like that but most of the times they're complete daddy's girls. 

They're doing pretty good in nursery at church. Sophie has no problem at all but we've had a few struggles with Lillian. They've only brought her to us once because she wouldn't stop crying though so given the track record of other kids I know I'd say she's doing pretty good. They get excited when they see their teachers around and in sacrament meeting. Sophie has been wearing her "I can forgive" necklace she made last Sunday all week. (ahhh that sentence looks awful without a comma!) They love it.

They climb on everything open every drawer that isn't baby proofed. They know where they're not supposed to go and what they're not supposed to do and they try to go and do those things all the time. 

Toddler twins are a whooooooole different ball game and they definitely keep me on my toes. This stage is so rewarding though. I like it a lot better than when they were tiny babies. I actually get feedback from them. They show their emotions so much better. They show their love so much better. It's just fun. They're my favorite little people ever and I've loved almost every second of the past 21 months.

They just really are the greatest kids ever and I love that they call me mama. 

 Even if they are usually screaming it. 

;)

Florida wrap up

 Did you think I was dead? Because at times this past week I have. I don't really have excuses, but this little break has been good. I've taken a lot of pictures lately, so hopefully the posts will be coming more regularly (like their 21 month post tomorrow!!!) Anyway, here's a wrap up of our last couple of days in Florida. Sadly, this post won't be as detailed as the others. I really should have just buckled down while it was all fresh in my mind. Oh well, such is life.

The next day of our trip, we decided to take a guided boat ride at Snook Haven. It was a fun little resort (that's what they called it) that promised some alligator viewing. Sadly, we only saw 3 alligators on the ride (and they weren't that big) but it was still fun. The girls really liked exploring the grounds and being on the boat. Not sure it was worth the (in my opinion) steep price (about $50ish for all of us) but it was fun and when else would we have done something like that, you know?

Later that day (after we went home and changed... we did a lot of changing on that trip. We Utah folk aren't used to the sticky humidity) we went to the circus. I didn't know this, but apparently Sarasota is a big circus town. They have a school (?) or something like that (possibly just classes? I don't really know...) so there are a lot of different circus', clowns and shows going on. The Shriner Lodge is right around the corner from my Grandma's house and we happened to be in town for their annual circus. I was excited because I'd never been to a circus before. It was fun, but HOT. Oh mercy, was it hot. Florida heat+humidity+ a enclosed circus tent= a sweaty bunch of Mangelsons. The girls enjoyed it, but we found out that they do NOT like clowns. Not at all. See Lillian's sticker? Yeah, hugging that clown definitely induced tears. 

 

 They kept reiterating NO photography of any kind was allowed in the tent. But of course, I cheated. So here are some crappy iPod pictures...

 

During the intermission, we went to the little zoo they had set up. They had a couple elephants, donkeys, goats, various other farm animals and a giraffe. Josh bought a little bag of carrots to feed the giraffe, but Lillian wanted them for herself. It was hilarious. She did not want to let go of those carrots! Everyone around us was laughing at her as Josh tried to get her to share with the giraffe. It was really, really funny. 

The next couple of days (ugh. This is where this post is going to fall apart...) we spent time a lot of time helping my grandma get things done around the house and at the beach. We also went to church and had dinner at a delicious Amish restaurant (also had no idea there was a huge Amish/Mennonite community in Sarasota...) that was some of the best food I've ever had. DE-licious. They had a little farmer's market next door and I was dying to buy fresh produce (you know, REAL fresh produce) but I didn't think that would really work with the plane. Maybe next time we'll drive. ;) 

Anyway, here's some more, random pictures...

And finally, here's the picture my little sister requested.

 One of the Herdman girls.

And here's the last picture I snapped while at my grandma's. I was trying really, really, really hard to hold back the tears as we were leaving. I was successful only because I didn't want my grandma to see me cry. It felt so sad. So final. It was such a hard goodbye. I didn't cry about it until after we were home and I was safe and conveniently already wet in the shower. I got a reeeeaaaally good cry out then. Having her live in Florida makes me so incredibly sad.

The Tampa airport was awesome. They had a giant playroom right by our gate and we definitely took advantage of it. The girls were able to get their wiggles out right before the long flight home.

 
This round of flights were perfect. Both girls hardly made a peep at all. Josh and I were several rows away from each other and honestly, I think that's what saved us. Like I said, on our flights to Florida, they sat us too close to each (remember, for oxygen mask reasons sitting by each other wasn't an option) and both the girls wanted me. With us being separated, they were able to play with their toys and not get distracted by their sister or the other parent. 

See the guy next to us? I was certain he wanted to throw Lillian out the window. Although she was being really, really good, he kept sighing and shifting in his seat. She kicked him a few times and he flashed us dirty looks. At the end of the flight though, he told me that he flies all the time and most adults don't behave as good as she did. Say whaaaat? I really thought he hated us. Guess I was wrong? It was a pretty huge compliment though considering that I tried to prepare as best as I could for the flight and I was still terrified.

 And yes, Lillian is covered in chocolate.... But hey, it kept her quiet!

Wanna know what kept Sophie quiet? Stickers. I had her on the flight from Houston to Salt Lake and she literally stickers all over her body. This wasn't even the worst of it. Plus, she grabbed a pen and started coloring on herself, so she had those marks all over her arms and legs too. Did I stop her? Absolutely not! It kept her entertained for almost TWO HOURS! She looked crazy as we were getting into Salt Lake, but she was happy and that's all that matters.

This trip was so, so good. It's definitely wasn't stress free, but I was so grateful my grandma was able to meet my girls. Honestly, I wasn't sure it was going to happen and that broke my heart a little bit. It was good to see bits and pieces of my childhood and it was good to just get out of our normal routine. I'm glad Josh was willing to take us all. So was my grandma. She kept telling me impressed she was with him and how much she loved him. Considering that was only the second time they've met (the first being our wedding) I knew she really thought a highly of him. It was just so good and just what the doctor ordered. 

So there you have it. An abridged overview of our trip. It took me long enough, didn't it? 

And I promise, most posts are coming soon. I've already got a good start on their monthly post for tomorrow, which is good because those things take forever.