*This post was written for moms of twins. Not saying others can't read this, but it's pretty twin specific and kind of long. It's also borderline offensive. Not offensive in a bad way, but some might see it as being offensive to motherhood or a 'poor me, I'm stuck with two babies post'. That's not what I intended at all. I'm am not trying to complain here. I'm just getting out 11 months worth of thoughts. So, read if you wish, but know that I warned you for potentially boring read. :)
Ok, there are a lot of things that are tricky about having two babies at once. Everyone knows about the sleepless nights, the constant crying, the diapers, bottles, etc, etc. There's something else that's hard about it that nobody talks about. People don't talk about it out of fear. Fear that others will judge you for being a horrible parent. Fear that you will make your children upset. Fear of admitting how you really feel deep down. I've been wanting to write about it for months now, but I've been too scared. In fact, I haven't really even talked to Josh about it too much, out of fear. What is this deep dark secret or burden twin moms are carrying? Well, I hinted at it back on this post, but in case you didn't catch it....
The lack of bonding with twins.
Yep. Bonding.
It's actually a lot more difficult than I would have ever imagined when you're given two babies at once. Now, I have talked to a few (ok, like 2) people about it and they both mentioned postpartum depression. Let me make something very clear, you do not necessarily have postpartum depression if you can't connect with your twins instantly. It's completely normal. You instantly go from no babies to two babies. It's hard. It's taken me months to really feel bonded with the girls. Months for what most moms feel in the first few seconds of their child's life. See why I've been scared to write about this?
I know moms who have been scared for bonding with their second child when they already have one. This is also completely normal. However, they already know what it's like to bond with one baby. Maybe I'm assuming things, but it would seem like that bonding would come more naturally the second time around too. Yes, there's an adjustment phase, but I feel like since they know of the bond between mother and child, they're able to sense it easier with the second child. When you have two at once (especially if they're you're first) you have NO idea what your in for. Your hormones are all over the place, you probably didn't get to hold your babies right away and you are sent home with these two little people to take care of.
Now, if this post offends you already, stop reading. I'm mostly writing it for moms of twins because it directly relates to them and like I said, hardly anyone talks about it. If you follow Multiples and More you may have seen today's post. I cried as I read it because I can relate 100%. Sometimes I have a hard time not seeing my girls as "the girls" or "the twins". When they were really little, it was almost impossible. Yes, we've always had to walk on eggshells around Sophie and Lillian has always been more laid back, but it was still hard not seeing them as a unit. I had an extremely hard time bonding with them like a 'normal' mother/daughter relationship. Yes, I loved them. No, I wasn't depressed. There were just two of them. I hardly ever got the chance to just soak up a newborn because the other newborn was constantly on my mind. Even if she was sleeping, I worried if she was warm enough, could breathe easily, wanted her binkie, etc, etc. When you have one child, your first born, you can forget about the laundry, dinner, sweeping, scrubbing the toilet and just focus on your baby. Moms that have two at once, never get that like a mom of a singleton. Truthfully, there have been times that I've been pretty bitter over that fact.
I want to know what it's like to become a mother for the first time and being able to have your baby attached to you every second of your day and attached to you seconds after they're born. I want to have a successful breastfeeding experience (not saying I blame having twins on it, but I think it really, really did contribute to my failure). I want to be physically able to carry by kids long distances. I mean, have you tried carrying two 20 lbs babies up 3 flights of stairs in 90 degree heat? I just tried that the other day and almost died. I don't recommend it. I want to know what it's like to go out in public and NOT talk to anyone. I'm sick of answering questions. The excitement of the extra attention is gone. I'm over being a circus show. I want to know what it's like to only change 7-10 diapers a day, not 15-20. I want to know what its like to not constantly compare my girls against each other and worrying because Lillian figured something out and Sophie has no interest in it yet. Or I want to not worry about comparing their poops because I know they're eating the exact same thing, so why aren't their poops the same?
I'm rambling here, but basically, sometimes I look at Lillian and think, "why did you decide to come on board with Sophie?" Not that Sophie was 'made' first, but she's baby a, so I pretend Lillian's the one who decided to come with her sister. But then, after all of my wishing that I had them one at a time, I remember how freaking awesome it is to have twins. How everyone should want twins and how everyone should be jealous of those of us who have twins.
It's amazing to see two polar opposite personalities budding at once. It's amazing to see my daughters become friends. It's even amazing to see them fight (which they now do... a LOT) because I know that they are aware of each other. The attention is even amazing because it reminds me how blessed I am. I can't even wrap my mind around the odds of me having these two fantastic little babies. They came healthy. They came perfect. They are mine. When I meet people and they comment on their gorgeous eyes or their adorable little smiles, I am reminded of that.So while I think I'll always mourn the fact that I don't know what it's like to mother one, I need to remember that I am a part of a club that nobody can request to join. It's pure chance. And it's through this experience that I've met some amazing women and created some incredible bonds. These girls have been the greatest blessings in my life.
And in a little over two weeks, these girls will be a year old. An entire year of sleepless nights (well, maybe 200 sleepless nights...). An entire year of diapers (which has thankfully been super cheap thanks to cloth diapering). An entire year of formula. An entire year of falling in love with these girls as individuals. My quirky little Sophie and my shy little Lillian are completely different people. Completely different. And you know what else? Now that they're a little older, I'm oddly able to bond with them as if they were newborn. Lillian has gotten super, super clingy to me and wants to be at arms reach of me every second. Sophie, has become a little more independent, which is great because I've been able to spend a lot of time getting to know Lillian better. I'm sure Sophie will go through her clingy phase and I can really focus on her then.
I'm still rambling, but don't worry, I'm almost done. :) This is one of the reasons I don't dress them alike very often. Sure we have several matching or coordinating outfits, but I've made a pretty good effort to dress them differently most of the time. Why? Because they're different people and for some stupid reason, it helps me (and the entire human population) realize it more when they are wearing different clothes. Maybe that's why I've defended their fraternal status so much. Anything I can do to not think of them as a unit, I do. That's really helped.
Ok, I'm done. This post was kind of all over the place and I don't really know if I said what I intended to say. Basically, if you're struggling with this at all, know that you're not alone. I have a feeling that this post is going to get a lot of reassuring comments and I know I'm looking forward to them. :)
Aaaaand just because....
My babies are the best.
