Josh and I left the LDS church and joined Community of Christ.
Is now a good time to pass around the oxygen masks? I joke, but stick with me, guys. Hopefully by the end of this, I'll have explained myself in the most authentic and honest way possible.
To lay some foundational framework, Community of Christ is the former RLDS church. The saints that stayed behind primarily in Missouri, Ohio and Illinois after Brigham Young led the bulk of the saints to Utah. Emma's church as it's often endearingly called. So, in a sense, we haven't changed all that much, but in another sense, we've drastically changed.
But let's back up a bit. For a really long time, I was happy in the LDS church. I defended it, I studied it, I did everything I was supposed to do and it brought me a great deal of fulfillment. Certain things, little things to some, but big things to me always nagged at me. This is where 1998 comes in. As a little girl, I had a lot of doubts and questions, but I didn't know how to formulate them or even how to think about them in my own mind. As I grew, I learned how to ask questions and I learned how to put them on my proverbial shelf and walk away from them like I was supposed to. I learned to distrust myself and put all of my trust in my church and I knew that things would be sorted out in the end. That's not to say that it was all bad, but there are certain parts of my journey with faith and God that were incredibly hard and there were parts that were beautiful. Nonetheless, I kept doing what I was supposed to do, married Josh in the proper place, at the proper time and by the proper authority and we started our life together. All the while uncertainty was bubbling underneath us.
I know a lot of people closer to me blame Josh and a lot of people closer to Josh blame me. The truth is, it's nobody's fault (for the good or the bad, depending on how you look at it). We both had different things send us down the road of deconstructing and self reflection. For a lot of our marriage, we've been at different places with various topics, but we trudged through and figured it out together.
Soon after Grant was born, Josh started to attend Community of Christ in Salt Lake. A big part of me hated that he was actually attending another church, but he also always took at least one of the twins with him, so between the drive and church, I had a much needed break from having all 3 kids. I was trying so hard to hold on to anything I could at that point, and the other part of me figured if Josh was interested in this church, even just to figure out their perspective of historical events, it was a good thing. If you follow Mormonism from any sort of lens beyond lds.org, you know that 2014 was kind of a rough year for our people. Even if you don't agree with those people who were stirring the pot, I think it's foolish to assume that ripples weren't made and those ripples represented real people hurting. I was one of many.
I remember when Kate Kelly announced her pending disciplinary council. I could hardly comprehend what was happening. I was in complete shock. I had been following Ordain Women from the day it launched and I was silently cheering them on. Did I want the priesthood? Eh, not really. Did I think there were thousands, if not millions, of women in the church who were being underutilized? That the church was missing a huge opportunity for ministry? Absolutely. Beyond that, John Dehlin had also got called in. I couldn't believe it. These communities that they had made within the church were what was keeping me in and it felt like the church was sending a loud and clear message to everyone and the line in the sand had been drawn.
I'm a people pleaser by nature and hate letting others down. I apologize for things I shouldn't and I usually put my own feelings in last place. I didn't want to do that this time. Things got messy. Really messy. I hate sounding so dramatic, but I went into crisis mode. I didn't know how to take care of myself while not shattering my loved one's world view. There were very few people to talk to, even though we were surrounded by dozens and dozens of caring people. How can you explain years of questions and completely evaluating your faith to someone who had no desire to go there? How do you explain to someone that the thing that causes them so much joy causes you to cry yourself to sleep and practically fall over and faint in the shower because the pain is literally crippling you?
There's no manual for how to navigate these conversations and mistakes were made. Relationships were damaged and I deeply regret that aspect of this journey.
Little did I know, the best thing was around the corner. Remember that Community of Christ thing? It turned out to be the best thing. Our thing. Josh had previously talked me into attending a couple days of a camp out with the SLC and surrounding congregations. Grant was barely 4 months old and I had literally never done anything religious outside of the LDS church. I was terrified.
I remember entering the parking lot and wondering if we were making a huge mistake. Josh immediately recognized the first guy we saw and he seemed nice enough so I didn't turn around and run the other way. We wandered our way through the grounds and found the bowery. The bulk of the group was still having their morning worship, so we hung around and talked to one of the families that would later become dear friends of ours. They were so much like us. They had been LDS and we hit it off pretty immediately. I was so shy and timid, but after a quick, sincere "oh don't worry, you can breastfeed your little boy wherever you need to" and hearing the stories of so many who had been in our same shoes, I got comfortable really fast.
We were only there a day and a half, but I felt more spiritually rejuvenated than I had in years and it really scared me. On the way home, I decided that we had to figure this out. I had dedicated 26 years to my church and always assumed that stepping outside of it would be an awkward, non fulfilling experience. I learned I was wrong.
Over the next few months, we continued to make the half hour drive to this new little congregation. It was the easiest and hardest thing I think I've ever done. I really love our neighborhood and thus our LDS ward. It's a common misconception that people leave the LDS church because they're offended or they don't like the people they're geographically assigned to worship with. That couldn't have been farther from the truth for us. Some of my closest friends were in the ward and again, there's no instruction booklet on how to handle these situations. It felt like a really big, messy breakup, but the other half of the relationship was literally everywhere we turned. Josh and I broke up a time or two when we dated and he always lived next door. It really felt like that. We were faced with Mormonism at the grocery store, at the park, on the 6 o'clock news, on social media...everywhere. I tried to create my own little oasis and there was a lot of pain. Our Pastor came to our house on several occasions (because she's amazing and intuitive like that) and people took notice, we started getting questions asked. My parallel worlds were colliding and I always reacted by pushing anything from my former life away. There was deep, deep grief, but also unimaginable joy. It was an alarming paradox.
Community of Christ offered us an entirely new way to look at the restoration. A new framework that actually fit the historical and theological conclusions we had come to. We didn't have to leave out the "..." in places like we did in our LDS Sunday School classes. Here the full story, including the most uncomfortable topics were dissected and discussed. Mistakes were openly pointed out and apologies were issued. I felt as though I was hearing the other side of a couple's divorce story and I realized I agreed with the wife a lot more than I agreed with the husband (who's story was the only story I ever knew). Things like Biblical/Book of Mormon scholarship and critical analysis and using scripture and history responsibly were shouted from the roof tops and completely embraced by the leaders of the church. It got to the point that we weren't leaving the One and Only True Church for another One and Only True Church, we were simply leaving one church for another church. More was opened up to us than just restoration stuff. I could read things from Lutherans, Catholics, Episcopalians and agree with so much of what they were saying and I didn't have to be afraid of it. I found the God I've always known, but have never been able to access on my own or at church.
I started admitting, quietly to myself, the kind of person I wanted to become. The framework I wanted to raise my kids in, the things I hoped they would embrace. I read book after book after book on spirituality, feminism and faith, living authentically, and more books on spirituality. After 6 months of this, we made the switch. I was officially welcomed into the church by 3 women who were crucial in my journey. One of them being the woman I first met at Red Cliffe that dewy June morning. If it weren't for her, I don't think I would have ever given Community of Christ the chance I did. Another woman who has lived in Utah for decades, under intense culture and branding, but who remains to be one of the funniest, smartest, strongest women I know. She's been a huge support to me and has extended a lot of grace, love and hope to so many who have walked through the doors of the church of her youth. And my dear, dear Robin. The woman who has gently encouraged me to live an authentic life from the moment she gave me the green light to nurse Grant wherever I needed to. The woman who let me cry to her on the phone when I had a complete fit over polygamy and the woman who has written literally thousands of words of affirmation to me over the past year. We've fallen in love with the local congregation and dozens of online friends we've made within the church.
I recognize that our journey causes a lot of pain for people and that was never our intention. In fact, I had planned to stay LDS and pave my own way. I did that for a little over a year, but when I found what we found, I had to go with it. There's a lot of common ground between our former faith and our new faith and now that the dust has settled, I feel like we're in a much better emotional place with things. We've told our story over and over in certain circles, but it's been a lot harder for me to admit it to friends and family who are still LDS. The ramifications of what we've done is huge and I certainly do not think our path is one that everyone should take. If you're happy and authentic where you're at, you should stay there.
At the end of the day, we're happier now that we've probably ever been. I'm so enthusiastic about this little church of ours and where it can take people. Stepping from a literal framework where most of the questions had answers, into a world of mystery, scholarship and inclusiveness, all while still being able to hold onto belief, has been life changing. Living authentically and being true to your faith is hard and I still stumble over something just about every single day, but it's worth it.
I promise you. It's worth it.
Robin, myself and Jenn on the day it all became official.
