Can we talk about twins for a minute (or ten)? Truthfully, I try to avoid twin talk too much on this blog because I think it can be a polarizing topic. There's almost an unspoken tension between moms of singletons and moms of twins (the tension comes from both parties, I might add) and there's a constant debate of which is harder. Twins? A 16 month old a a newborn? A 3 year old and a 2 year old? Which mom is more tired? Which ones has fuller hands? Which one should be able to complain more?
It's kind of ridiculous and I really try to avoid it. But today, I'm going to talk about my perspective. My current perspective is two 2 year old twins.
And guess what? They kick my butt.
Sometimes it's hard to split up a fight between siblings that are on the exact same cognitive level.
Sometimes it's hard from having two kids in cribs to have 0 kids in cribs over night.
Sometimes it's hard to get so much attention at the grocery store because everyone just has to tell you about their second cousin's husband who is a twin. And how they always wanted twins or how they know a set of girl/boy identical twins. Alrighty then...
Sometimes it's hard because I've been out numbered from day one.
Sometimes it's hard because I've never been able to just throw my kid in the car and go. I mentally prepare for every outing and I do nothing spontaneous if I'm by myself with them.
Sometimes it's hard because I have two children who everyone sees as a unit. They are "the twins" or "the girls" or "Sophie and Lillian" I worry so much about people loving them for the individuals they are. I catch myself calling them "the girls" ALL the time and know I should probably stop it. What if we have another girl? Would she be considered "the girls" too? I don't want one of them to always be in their sister's shadow.
Sometimes it's hard because I create that shadow. Sophie talks a lot more than Lillian and I encourage Sophie so much more than I do Lillian. I'm a major part of the problem and that's a hard thing to realize.
Sometimes it's hard because sometimes there is a favorite (although that favorite changes) but I'm too afraid to admit it because what kind of mother has favorites?
Sometimes it's hard because I'm prideful. Too freakin' prideful. I could probably count the times I've asked for help on my finger (well, maybe I'd have to add a few toes in there too...) but I'm grateful to have a friend (who's also my next door neighbor) who I know I can call any second of the day and she'll drop whatever she's doing to help me. But it's hard to show that vulnerability. It's hard to let someone discipline your kids while you're literally on the hallway floor in tears.
And sometimes I hate all the praise I get. You guys, I'm really not that stellar. Do you know how many times I've left my girls in their room screaming because I'm simply not ready to face them? Do you know how many times I've dumped them on Josh the moment he walks in the door after a 13 hour work day? Do you know how many times I've wondered "why me" in a self pity way?
It's ridiculous.And I need to get this two year old thing figured out. I swear the moment they turned two, they changed. They became so defiant, so independent and all of the sudden annoyed by their sister.
And then I look at what the next year is probably going to look like. We'll be potty training, letting them socialize more, trying to teach them to actually use big kid cups, they're going to start speaking in sentences, we might even put them in preschool. All of this makes me look within myself and figure out if I'm ready. I know that I have plenty of people who will tell me that I am, but I'm not so sure. And I'm not so sure any of these things unique to twins will change. I mean, do we keep them in the same class? Split them up? Let them pick out what they want to wear, even if that means matching every day? How do we encourage independence? What if they get on two different sides in a quarrel with friends? What if their teachers always compare them? What if they don't get the individual attention they need? What if *I* don't give them the individual attention they need? Does Sophie really know that I love Sophie and Lillian know that I love Lillian?
Now, I should say that most of the times, things are not hard and most of the time I don't harp on these unknowns of the future, but sometimes life is hard and sometimes I do worry, but I never really talk about it. I'm grateful that I have twin in the age of the internet. I've got a great online group of twin moms that I can go to for questions. I have many amazing twin moms that I know in real life who have given me a lot of support. I'm grateful that twins are common enough that I pass them every now at then at the grocery store and I exchange that look with the mom. The look that only moms of multiples can understand. The look of, "I know how hard and scary your pregnancy was and I know the financial burden of bringing home two babies at once and the physical and mental pain tandem breastfeeding is and I know how crazy it is to change 20 diapers a day and I know how having two newly vaccinated two months olds sucks and I know how a 30 minutes shopping trip turns into a 2 hour shopping trip because you have 4 diapers to change and 37 people to talk to and I know the dilemma of everyone asking you why one of your twins isn't walking/talking/sleeping/pooping/laughing/scratching her ear right at this moment and I know you love strangers asking you if your twins are 'natural' or if they 'run in your families' and I know the strange feelings you get when people praise you when all you feel like is a failure and I know that this is an incredibly runon sentence, but you're a twin mom too and we're reading each other's minds and I know you're thinking the EXACT same thing."
But then, in that same looks there's the "I know you know the joy of seeing your 3 month olds discover their siblings the first time and I know you love snuggling two newborns at once and getting double the first little giggles and I know you sometimes love the attention because people are right, your babies are adorable and you are the luckiest mom in the world and I know how it feels when you finally get two babies sleeping through the night and from that moment on, you feel like you can solve all the problems in the middle east and I know you love watching your twins learn from and push each other and I know you love seeing your twins holding hands, giving each other kisses and constantly being at each other's side and I know you probably feel a little jealous of them because how awesome would it be to BE a twin?! And I again, we both know that this is a lot of information to telepathically share in a 5 seconds glance, but we know how true everything we just thought is. We really are lucky." side of the look.
And it's true. We probably aren't supermoms like everyone claims we are, but we are pretty lucky. When times get hard (like they are right now at our house) I need to remember that. I need to remember that Sophie and Lillian won't be two forever. Hopefully they'll grow out of the biting, the hitting, the coloring on the walls, and being terrified of toilets. Yes, there will come a day when they can actually verbalize what they are feeling, will poop in toilets and will grow up to be individual, independent women. It's hard to think that way when you're in the middle of a sleepless night with a scared toddler or two, but I know those days will come
But for now, we just have to remember to have a little sense of humor because having two two-year olds at once is crazy and kind of hilarious.
