Breastfeeding revisited.

So I wrote this post back on November 8th, but debated if I should publish it or not. It wasn't until a couple of conversations with a few friends that I decided to go ahead and post it.  So here's my Truth Tuesday as you could call it...

Yep, I'm talking about it again. In a few weeks, it will be the year anniversary of "weaning" (and I put that in quotes because I never really weaned them since they were never fully on breast milk) the girls. Every mom that has wanted to breastfeed and hasn't been able to knows the guilt. Mothers who successfully breastfeed don't fully understand it. When you're bombarded with "breast is best" propaganda (ok, propaganda might be a slightly strong word...) and you're told that nutritionally nothing can beat breast milk, you'll build an incredible bond with your child, etc and you fail, it's really easy to let the guilt consume you. There's also that worry in the back of your mind because you wonder if your child will have a horrible immune system or that they won't be attached to you because they drank from a bottle. Since it's been a while since I've touched on the topic, I thought I'd do a little post with my updated thoughts on it.

What I've learned over the past year, is that women need to stop worrying about all of this. Really, stop. Stop right now. Now, this isn't to say that I disagree with the notion that breast is sometimes best. Sure, if the mother is getting adequate nutrition, has a good supply, doesn't have too many hurdles, is getting enough sleep to take care of her self and her kids, then great! Breastfeed. In that situation, it's best. However, if the breastfeeding failing cards are stacked up against you, you're depressed, the baby isn't getting enough milk, or the task is too daunting, it's OK to turn to formula. I was explaining this to a friend who recently had a baby girl and is having a really, really hard time nursing. For medical reasons, she can only nurse out of one side. Her baby isn't latching, she's in constant pain, she's getting infections, and her baby isn't gaining weight. She emailed me because she knew I had 'failed' and wanted some support. We've been exchanging emails for back and forth for a little while and I can't tell you how much happier she is now that she's "given up" breastfeeding.

According to many, there's a lot of pressure to get women to give up nursing and turn to formula. Apparently there are doctors and nurses out there who are constantly encouraging women to give bottles (although, I've never met a single one of them and I saw 3 different OBs,  dozens of nurses in the NICU and have taken the girls to 3 pediatricians and every single one has encouraged breastfeeding.)  and I don't think that's cool. Breastfeeding is cheaper, apparently convenient (although I'm personally not comfortable breastfeeding in public so even with my next babies, bottles will be given) and good for both mother and baby. But seriously, if you choose not to breastfeed or can't for whatever reason, there is no reason to feel guilty. Because you know what? My girls have only been to the doctor twice (once for Lillian and once for Sophie) for being legitimately sick. I say legitimately because I've taken them in when there was really nothing besides teething wrong with them, but as far as actually being sick, it's only happened once for each girl over the past 15 months (now almost 16). That's not too shabby if you ask me. The girls have a great bond with their dad, haven't had as much stranger anxiety as a lot of kids and really are healthy, intelligent toddlers. I think of all the worrying I did last October and November and I want to go back and slap myself in the face. I drug out the agony waaaaaaay too long and shed waaaaaay too many tears on something that quite frankly didn't matter. It honestly didn't matter what source their food came from. What mattered is that they had food and had parents who loved them. The only think I think would be different about them if they would have been breastfed is that maybe they would have been able to fall asleep in my arms. But that's it.

So basically, the point of this is to say that although breastfeeding has benefits and I do believe that women should give it a try if that's their choice, I don't believe for a second that we should think any less of ourselves if we can't do it. It made me sad watching my friend go through the guilt that I felt last year, but I'm glad that she's letting that go. Because in about a year, her little girl will probably be just as healthy and as happy as mine are.

This post may seem random and bold, but the thought to revisit the topic was sparked by my friend contacting me, seeing a debate on facebook and then it was solidified when I came across this lovely piece of writing. DON'T read it if you are/have/are going to give your child formula. It will probably make you want to punch someone in the face like it did for me (which is saying something because I'm as non violent as you can get). Seriously, the exaggerated "uber boober" propaganda out there makes me cringe. 

And while I'm in no way saying that formula feeding is superior to breastfeeding, I just wish we, as women, would cut each other some slack. I really don't think mothers who can't breastfeed or choose to formula feed owe anyone an explanation. All of the pressure, all of the stigma, and all of the expectations put an added measure of guilt on moms who genuinely want to nurse. And for some reason (at least from what I've personally experienced), it's OK for breastfeeding moms to be bold about their opinions, but as soon as a formula mom speaks up, they're looked down on for their lack of ability/choice. I've felt it numerous times over the past year and I'm a little sick of it. So yes, I'm being bold. Yes, I'm saying that it's OK to choose formula and it's OK to not feel guilty over it. Because feeling guilty won't boost your supply, it won't make the mastitis go away, and it won't make your baby latch properly. 

Maybe I'll get flak for this, but that's OK. It's probably the hottest topic among moms. In fact, I think my first breastfeeding post got more comments that any other post (well, maybe not the announcement of our girls' arrival).You can refute my formula feeding ways all you want, but I think it's impossible to refute the fact that formula has done these two adorable babies just fine. 

And really, these guys are all that I care about.

Sick baby and some links

Having a sick baby is no fun. I say baby, not babies, because Lillian is doing much better. Sophie on the other hand, is still pretty beat. She was sitting on the floor, surrounded by toys for about 10 minutes and she didn't touch anything. She just sat and stared at the floor. I've been working on my paper for school (5 pages...not too big, but still big enough to say 'shoot me now') and I wasn't doing the best job at paying attention to them. When I looked over, she made eye contact with me and started bawling. It was so adorably sad. She's now sitting on my lap and isn't even trying to grab the keyboard. Poor kid needs to get better.

Anyway, I have 3 links I want to share. The first one is a link to the cloth diapering channel on youtube. I know I've written a lot about my experience, but sometimes it's nice to watch someone talk about it, know what I mean? There's general information, reviews, and tips from several moms. Check it out if you're interested.

The next link is for anyone out there who has ever felt a smidge of guilt over formula feeding. I love it because it's not anti-breast feeding. In fact, I got it from a super crunchy/eco-friendly/cloth diaper/herb loving/breastfeeding blogger I follow. I love it. The author even mentions the stress of having twins and drying up. Yep, love it. The author's wife is a breastfeeding advocate who formula feeds. The language is a bit more colorful than the content of this blog (but really, it's nothing too shocking, promise) and there's a picture of a baby breastfeeding, so if that offends you, don't read it BUT I love it. It basically tells people to stay out of each others business when it comes to what you feed your child (I would extend that to many, if not all aspects of birth and parenting). If you're interested, click here.

The last link is from my sister's blog. She's an interior designer and is awesome. Check out her latest project (still in progress) here.

And I really do have a post ready to go. It's just missing a picture that I need to take. In order to take it, I must first shower (Yes, it will be of me. Shocking, I know), but before that, I need to get my paper done (or knock off at least another page) and I have to feed the babies. I should probably feed myself somewhere in there too... I'll try to get it up soon. For now, I might postpone all of it for a few minutes and go cuddle my sad little Sophie.

Why breastfeeding didn't work out for us.

****This is my second post of the day. If you don't care about why I'm not breastfeeding, skip down to see a couple cute pictures of the babies.****

First off, know that I've been thinking about what to write in this post for a long time. This is in no way anti-breastfeeding or my list of excuses. It's simply my story and why it didn't work out for me. I'm writing it because as I was dealing with the guilt and frustration of it all, I would have loved to read something like this. A few weeks ago, I was on a fellow twin mom's blog and she explained her story. It helped me immensely and I thought I'd share what happened to me and my baby girls. Trust me, I've been on enough blogs and forums to know that this is a major hot topic among mothers. Once again, I'm just trying to be open and honest about my experience and hopefully I'll be able to make at least one other mom who 'failed' at it feel a little bit better. This is going to be long, so if you don't want to read it all just know that I'm no longer nursing or pumping and I finally feel great about it.

Before I got pregnant, I didn't give much thought to nursing. I'll admit, I always assumed that I would be an expert at it and I'd stop when my kids got teeth (the thought of them chopping down on me with little fangs has never been appealing). Once I got pregnant, I started doing a little bit of research on it. Then, when I found out I was having twins, my casual research turned into major, in depth studying. I read about supply, positions, latching, etc. I read books, and did a sufficient amount of research. I felt prepared. I bought the GIANT twin nursing pillow (the boppy on steroids) talked to moms, and again, did more and more research. Breastfeeding was going to be free (well...sorta. I'll touch on that in a bit), convenient (again, sort of...) and the best for my daughters. I had my mind made up. That's what I was going to do. I even brushed off the thought of getting a pump because I was sure I was going to be that good at it.

Oh how ignorant I was.

Fast forward to the NICU stay. I realize my babies were only in the hospital for 4 days. There are plenty of NICU stays for weeks and weeks that don't interfere with breastfeeding. I guess I should have been more proactive in demanding to nurse my babies, but I didn't really care (yes, some would automatically flame me as being an awful mother). Of course I wanted to hold my babies and let them know I loved them, but I never had an overwhelming desire to nurse them. Plus, I didn't know if I could. And by could I mean allowed. Nobody ever said anything. I started pumping on the first night and they had bottles with donated breast milk filled with 15 ML for each baby and Josh would feed one while I fed the other. Seriously, nobody said anything about actually breastfeeding. Again, I should have asked, but I was more concerned with their heart rate, oxygen level and getting them home.
I figured there was still plenty of time to get the nursing thing down.

So, I went to a breastfeeding class on the 3rd day in the hospital. It was about a half hour and it wasn't anything I hadn't heard or read before. The lactation consultant was shocked that I hadn't tried nursing my babies and promised to meet me in their room 15 minutes later. When she arrived, I tried it for the first time. I'll admit, I've always been very modest (I didn't even like changing my shirt in front of my closest friends, let alone be half naked in front of a stranger) and I was very awkward about it. More than that though, I didn't feel anymore of a connection than when I was bottle feeding. Call me crazy, but I didn't. I worked with the LC for over an hour nursing each baby separately and then both together. By this point I was in pain, feeling super exposed and not enjoying the experience at all. From the actual act of nursing to the pressure the babies and pillows were putting on my incision from the c-section, it was all around uncool. However, the next day I continued to work with a different LC and just before we went home I was filled with a little more confidence that this was going to work out.

However, my milk still hadn't come in. Like, not at all. I pumped every two hours in the hospital and I could tell that the nurses didn't really believe me. They were actually pretty rude about it. The last nurse I worked with was confident my milk come in that weekend (babies born on a Monday, we went home on a Thursday) but strongly suggested getting a pump. So we rented one (I was still convinced that I wasn't going to need one long term) and we headed home.

I pumped like a mad woman and nothing came until Sunday. It took 7 days for anything to happen. Some people think c-sections have something to do with it, but I know several women who have been able to nurse while being stitched up. Plus, my water broke naturally, I wasn't induced. My body naturally went into labor, so who knows what my deal was. That first weekend home with the babies was the HARDEST couple of days of my life. I'm not kidding when I say that I got an average of 4 hours of sleep a day. The babies were waking up every 1 1/2-2 hours to eat and by the time we got both kids taken care of, we would catch maybe a half hour of snooze time. I was paranoid of something going wrong and a walking zombie (random, but is anyone watching The Walking Dead series on A&E? Super creepy, but I can't stop watching it. Haha!). I tried to nurse during the day, but they would scream and scream and scream. I tried feeding them a bottle first and then nursing, but they would instantly fall asleep. I was also having a really hard time nursing both of them at once. I'd get one going and the other would sneeze and ruin it for both of them. Screams would burst out and I'd join right in with their cries.
It was awful.

About a week later, I missed a call from the original LC I worked with. I didn't call her back because (I'll admit) I was embarrassed. I didn't want to pay $30 for her stupid class and I was slowly loosing any appeal for breastfeeding that I once had. I continued to pump, but the babies were only getting about 50% my milk. Remember, they were only eating 1 oz every two hours and I was pumping for 20 minutes every two hours. That's not a lot of milk at all.

So, I started doing research on low milk supply. In all my previous research, I skipped over this because it didn't even cross my mind that I would have this problem (don't ask me why...). I read up on food and herbs that women swore by and went shopping. The biggest thing that helped me was fenugreek. However, in order for it to have any effect on my supply, I had to take 10 pills a day. It also made everything smell like maple syrup. I mean everything. My skin, hair, pee, sweat... I was a walking waffle. It also didn't come cheap. I think we got a bottle of 100 pills at GNC for about $12. That's a 10 day supply. It would have been awesome if it boosted my supply enough for both girls, but even with the fenugreek and pumping every two hours, they were only getting about 60% of my milk.

They tell you to nurse, nurse, nurse to get your supply up, but that didn't work either since the babies only latched for a few minutes at a time. My pediatrician said to go one weekend without offering a single bottle. Sorry doc, but after 6 hours of starving my babies and having them SCREAM constantly, I gave in. They were nursing better, but still not getting full. By this point they were up to 2 oz every 2 hours and I was making 2 oz. Only enough for one baby.

This went on for about a month. I'd nurse, give formula and pump. It was brutal. My supply hardly increased at all. I think at my peak I was getting 3 oz (6 total) every 2 hours. Sadly, that didn't happen until they were eating 4 oz each. I was never able to keep up with my growing girls.

By mid September, I made the decision to stop nursing. I still wanted to give my babies breast milk, but doing my routine of nurse/bottle/pump was killing me, so I devoted myself to pumping. Again, I was doing it every two hours and tried several 'power pump' sessions (look it up) and nothing special happened. I couldn't get past my peak amount. By the end of October, I had had it. I was so frustrated with my body, my inability to to provide the 'best' for my babies and was WAY too sleep deprived.

Then we moved. Packing up the apartment in a week, traveling down to Salt Lake 3 times in that week and taking care of newborn twins while trying to pump was the most ridiculous thing ever. Plus, I was very emotional because I didn't want to move at all. I was really depressed over the idea. I went several days only pumping once or twice and I'm sure you can imagine what that did to my already pathetic milk supply.

After about a week in our new place, I told Josh I was done and he was more than ok with it. He wanted me to stop stressing and crying over it. I continued to pump about 3 times a day so I wouldn't hurt (not that I've ever experienced being full) and mourned the fact that days that my girls would be getting my milk was rapidly coming to an end. By Halloween, I was getting about 3 oz total in the entire day.

Then, the guilt set in. I made the stupid mistake of looking on the Breastfeeding Multiples board on babycenter and I read all about how wonderful, beneficial and even spiritual breastfeeding can be. I felt a guilt like I'd never felt before and considered myself a huge failure. I secretly started taking fenugreek again and pumped during the day. It was a joke. I was back to the NICU days all over again. I researched how to relactate and realized that very few women have success. Those who do have success were super lactaters (I doubt that's a word) to begin with. I'm actually embarrassed at how hard I tried.
The last time I pumped was the day before Thanksgiving.
I drew out the agony WAY too long.

Even now I feel slightly guilty. Women are hard on each other and VERY opinionated. There are thousands of women (and a handful of men who apparently care) out there who make formula feeding moms feel guilty. Trust me, I've felt plenty of guilt and I truly want to know what it's like to enjoy nursing a baby. However, I ended up making a list of why I'm ok with my decision and it made me feel tons better. The list looked something like this.

• Bottle feeding allows Josh, family and friends to feed the babies.
• I didn't have any of the 'perks' that supposedly come with breastfeeding. It didn't help me loose weight and it didn't (TMI) stop any monthly female visitor from finding me.
  
• I am still able to bond tremendously with my babies while they drink their bottle.
• I don't have to stress about tandem nursing in public. Again, I've always been very modest and for the life of me, I can't figure out a way to modestly nurse two babies in front of others. I know one twin mom who exclusively nurses and she said that she has only gotten out of the house a small handful of times because of it. Ummm...no thanks, that's not for me.
• Formula for two is expensive, but with couponing, getting free samples and buying it on KSL (the black market for baby food) it isn't that bad. Plus, I save BIG bucks with cloth diapering. In the almost 4 months that the babies have been here, I think we've spent maybe $75 on diapers. Really though, it's probably more like $50 and I'll continue to save until they're potty trained.
  
• Formula is a lot let stressful for me. No pills, no calorie counting, no pumping/nursing sessions. I make the bottles and feed them all within 10 minutes. I don't stress about bottles a fifth as much as I stressed about my supply.
  

Now, I realize all of those reasons are about me, but I wasn't the mom my daughters deserved for the first few months because the stress was consuming me. I firmly believe that a mom has to be happy in order to be the best mom for her children. Stressing over what my babies were eating was making me anything but happy. And after talking to our new pediatrician, I was comforted to know how far formula has come. It's completely different than it was even 5 years ago. It's more natural, nutritious and they're getting closer and closer to breast milk. Everyone will agree that it isn't as good as breast milk, but there are thousands of intelligent, thriving babies with great immune systems that have only had formula. The fact that my girls got any breast milk as long as they did was an advantage to them, but formula is currently doing them just fine.

So there you have it. I am the crunchy mother's worse nightmare. I had a c-section and formula feed my babies. Both pretty taboo subjects in mommy world. I'm ok with it because the c-section saved my life and formula has saved my sanity.

This post took me over a week to compile. I'm not sure if anyone will read it, but I hope that someone will benefit from something I said.

And I'll leave you with what my favorite ladies on television think about it.


I love these women.
So much.

It could be worse

and I thought nursing twins was hard.