tick tock, tick tock

I really tried to think of something non pregnancy related to blog about, but alas, my belly consumes me (almost literally) and there's virtually nothing else on my mind. Since I'll be hitting the 32 week mark in a few days, I thought I'd give you a few thoughts on the tail end of a twin pregnancy.

Yesterday, CPD had a little party that included delicious food and swimming. As I was waiting in line to grab Josh some food, the lady serving gave me the usual "you must be due any day now" comment. When I replied, "well, not technically until September" I thought I'd have to scrape her jaw off the concrete. I went onto say that I'm having twins and she got soooo giddy and happy. Her daughter has twins and we chatted for about 45 seconds on how lucky I was to be having two girls and having them first. I was genuinely grateful for her comments, but realize it was the first time I've gotten the "due any day" comment. This scares the daylights out of me.

If I make it to the magic number of 36 weeks, I still have an entire month left. A whole month! Not to complain, but having one baby shoved in your ribs and another practically in your knee caps is getting hard to live with. Luckily, I'm pretty sure baby b has dropped a little bit and that inch or two of extra torso space is allowing me to breath a lot easier. However, baby a hasn't moved a centimeter since about oh....week 20 and I constantly have to think about how I'm walking to make sure I don't waddle. I own about 7 pieces of clothing that I can still fit into and can hardly fit any food in me, but I'm constantly hungry/thirsty. My joints (particularly my fingers) are so stiff that it takes me a good 1-2 minutes when I wake up to even be able to move them and another few hours or so before they stop hurting. I'm starting to think my body (particularly my back) was not made to have 35+ pounds of extra belly weight hanging off of it and I've still got two months until my official due date....

So, is it bad if I want these girls to come sooner? I know they're better off in that out, but I know lots of twins born around 32-35 weeks and they're fine. I haven't even considered going longer than 36 weeks and whenever I read about people who do, I have to quickly stop and go eat a popsicle or something. I had a horrible dream last night that I went in for my 40 week appointment and in tears was begging my doctor to induce me, but he wouldn't. I'm making a mental note to discuss such topics at my next appointment...

However, if they come within the next month, we're not going to be ready. Our dresser and bedding are in Provo, I have yet to order my diapers (I've got the covers, just not the actual prefolds and I had no idea how stressful deciding on those would be. Yet again, SO many different kinds), and although we have 97% of what we need, I don't feel like it's organized and ready for the babies at all. I feel so bipolar because one minute I'll want them here so I can meet them and not be pregnant anymore and then, a minute later I'd be content if they didn't come until next summer. As you can see, I'm a basket case.

I really am trying to relish in the fact that we don't have children yet. I was thinking about it this morning and although I have no idea exactly how our lives will change, I made a inventory of a typical day in the Mangelson house and I literally figured only 3 or 4 things would stay the same. I'm not sure if I'm ready for every aspect of my life to change and although I know it's worth it, it's pretty scary at the same time.

Basically what it all boils down to it this: I am being selfish and should be grateful we (most likely) have a few more weeks. I've never been a control freak, but it's driving me crazy when I think about how little control I have over this situation. The twins could come tomorrow, they could come in September or anytime in between and it would be considered "normal". 36 weeks is the magical number you want to hit and if they came tomorrow all 3 of us would be in trouble, but reading statistics that say they have a 95-98%% chance of survival/growing up to be functioning adults if they were born right now does not make me to thrilled about them staying in for another month or longer. It sounds horrible, but it's true...

So for now, I'll just continue to live in my partial state of denial. I'm in denial of how soon they could come, how much longer I actually could have, our lack of being organized, my fears about the process of getting them here, what the first few weeks of having two newborns will be like, and the fact that my toenails look awful and there's not much I can do about it. Yep, living in denial is where all the cool people (like Lacy) spend their time. At least I'm in good company, right? ;)