Having regrets has always been something I've feared. I question decisions over and over again and tend to over analyze everything. I've always been this way and I don't think I'll change. With these babies, I've done oodles and oodles of research on my 'decisions' for them. Cloth diapers? Check. C-section/traditional labor? Check. To get them on a schedule or not? Check. How strict? Check. You get the idea.... Probably my greatest fear that stems from this is being a 30-something house wife who feels unfulfilled. I never wanted to enter motherhood with a list of things I'd wish I'd done. I realized today while I was talking to Josh, that luckily I don't have any regrets about pre-baby (or babies) Brittany. I want to have it in writing though so when I am 30-something and feeling down, I'll be able to look back on this and see how silly I'm being.
I got married young. I was married at 20 (a few months shy of 21 though...), pregnant with twins at 21 and will be a mother at 22. However, for me, I think I 'lived' enough before the first two came along. I had 2 1/2 years of college life, had the most fantastic roommates anyone could ask for (really, I don't have any horror stories about any of the girls I lived with and most of us are still really, really good friends) and I've been able to really get to know myself. I've questioned my faith, politics, lifestyle, and other opinions and have come to conclusions that I'm satisfied with. I've made so many memories with my roommates and friends and have taken many vacations (some of them spontaneous) with them. I've had countless 3 am conversations about love, humanity, pain, the gospel, the future, and practically every other topic that's on a high school/college girl's mind. I've had the most amazing job in the world (this will get its own post in a few days) that has taught me about patience, love, myself, and God in a way that nothing else could.
Josh and I have also had a really great year and a half of marriage. We've gone on many spontaneous adventures (on a slight smaller scale than I did when I was single), stayed up many nights talking about our future, and have really become a team (cheesy, right?). I'm so excited to see him become a father and start this new adventure with him. The timing has been of bringing twins into the world has been a bit crazy, but it's been a huge blessing at the same time. I can't wait for our little family.
I understand that everyone has their own scale of when they're 'ready' for parenthood. To some, my few years of being independent wouldn't be enough. For others (especially in Mormon culture) they are already the mother of two by the time they're my age (and that's without having twins) For me, it's been just enough time to develop yet another 'plan' about my future. A plan of how I want to be a mother. I'm satisfied with the person I've become and although I have a lot of room for improvements, I feel like I gave my pre-motherhood days my all and learned/developed as much as I could. I don't want to be a 30-something, Mormon housewife who wonders, "what if?" or wishes I would have done more. I might throw all of my game plan for motherhood out the window as soon I have my girls in my arms, but at least I feel prepared.
I searched through pictures over the last 4 years to post and I thought this was a good (although tiny)representation of some of the fun I've had. It's kinda sad when I think about all this. I'm saying goodbye to a Brittany that will never exist again. I'm not trying to bash motherhood at all, it's just that once you're a mother, it can easily become your only identity. Hopefully, I'll be able to recall on all my life experiences and remember that Brittany is still a person besides having the title of 'Sophie and Lillian's mom'. Maybe I'm wrong, but maybe that's why many people feel like this. It's a sad story, but I know of a few women who view life this way.
So that was my a-ha moment about myself and motherhood today. I think as long as women live our lives for not only our children, but for ourselves, we'll be ok. Now I just need my girls to get here so I can start living for them. 34 weeks and counting...
p.s. I forgot to mention that I've seen Regina Spektor in concert twice. Now if that's not living a full life, I don't know what it. :)
Hi, I'm new to your blog! We have something in common. I was married at 20, pregnant at 21, and had my daughter at 22 :) I know exactly what your saying. Sometimes I have to step back and realize that I can still be me and not define myself by just being a mother.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I love the names you chose. You are going to LOVE having little girls they are sooo much fun!
I can totally relate--even our ages were the same at marriage and motherhood. I understand and felt all of those feelings you have. You are normal. Don't worry about what other people around you with kids look like (as if they never need a break or look horrified if you admit you might be having a hard time). Chances are, they've felt the same but won't admit it. Motherhood is difficult, but it is supposed to be. It took me a long while to grow into it before I felt what some people would call "fulfilled". I think the inherent problem in that is that "fulfillment" stems from a selfish mindset, and motherhood is definitely not a selfish endeavor. That, I think, is where the dichotomy lies--especially in that Today piece. It will take a while to get used to your new family and self, especially with twins, but you are changing careers. You will still be the same you, just more tired. Remember to do something for yourself every day (even if it just means taking a few extra minutes in the bathroom), and keep your marriage strong. Give yourself permission to have bad days every once in a while, and realize there is a learning curve to it. Draw upon the support of your family and friends. They have probably felt all of these crazy rollercoaster feelings, too. My friend, Donna, who was 80 when I met her when Rachel was a baby said this to me (after I complained to her, of course), "Oh, don't worry. You're fine. This won't be the only time in your life you won't like your children." Remember, motherhood is a marathon and not a sprint. It will be hard some days, and others, not so much.
ReplyDeleteOh, I could say so much more, but just know that I love you, girl. Call me anytime if you need to vent!
Oh yeah, this talk by Julie Beck is a good counterpoint to the Today piece:
ReplyDeletehttp://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-3,00.html
And this talk by President Erying is good for any calling where we feel inadequate:
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=6bae76e6ffe0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
This is funny that you mention this because I have been thinking about it. A lot. I was married at 18...I am 22 now and I am on the fence about kids. Due to Utah Law, I am due for a child or two... but I am uneasy about it. We have been married for almost 4 years now and I feel like I kids are the next step in my life, but just can't do it. I picture myself now (childless) and all the fun we have, but something is missing.I see all our friends who have kids who have restrictions with babysitters and this & that.. but it's Kinda ironic that you posted this. Hope all is well.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I really miss about pre-baby life is not being able to do something whenever I want. Like getting a pedicure takes a little planning now. On the other hand, I have a lot more freedom now, too (no homework or work).
ReplyDeleteOh, and I bought a blue bumbo because I have a wise sister (and the blue is cuter). She suggested the blue because I might have a boy next. And he might resent me for taking pictures of him in a pink bumbo.
And a small confession. I totally look forward to your posts more than just about anyone else's because I'm so excited to see these babies and how the whole twin thing works. I'm just so dang curious. Stalkerish? A bit.
hi brittany! thanks for stopping by my blog. i've enjoyed getting to know you a bit through yours :)
ReplyDeletei love this post. everyone is different. even in mormon culture. i was married at 20 and had 3 1/2wonderful {carefree} years of marriage with my husband before we had our first child. i was a few weeks shy of 24 when my daughter was born. now i'll have my second at 25! life is certainly different. i've changed in many ways. but i'm still me!
best of luck with the last few weeks of pregnancy! i'll definitely be checking back to get a peek at the babes :)
What a great journal entry for you to have about how you feel exactly at this moment. It's great that you feel ready and feel no regrets. I think that's the important thing. I got married at 25 and had my twin girls at 27 and that was the perfect age for me. I think wherever you are life just has to keep trudging forward and you're wise if you can just accept what comes and grow with it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, as much as I enjoyed all of my roles that came previously there is something so different and wonderful when I look in my childrens' eyes and can do things for them that no one else can do. A lot of people can take over my job as Advisor or Executive Secretary, but no one else can be Mother to Jenna and Lucy. That's pretty cool. I love it so much.