Not sure how this is all going to come out

So... I've been thinking about, stressing over, and yes, even praying about this post for days. This past week has been crazy and my eyes have been opened to some things that have really made me take a step back and think about this blog. Some of the things that have been on my mind are a little superficial, but a few of them are definitely more serious and while I'm not going to talk about everything that's happened, there are a few things that I want to address.

You know that silly contest I entered the girls in? Well, it got a little crazy. Accusations were thrown around about things *I* had no control over and I although I don't want to play the victim, we were kind of dragged through the mud. Not by the other family at all, but by their friends. By their "team" by the people that were voting for them. My blog was passed around (my hits spiked to over 500 in one day) and I got a few comments and several emails that, in my opinion, were less than kind. Again, I don't want to play the victim, and I'm thinking maybe I still have some of those new visitors reading this (*waves at all the newbies*) but it really made me stop and realize that everyone can read my blog. Everyone can have this glimpse into my life and for someone who's never really like the spotlight on her, it's not something I've ever really been comfortable with.

The contest is over and the top two families both got an iPad. I was so, so happy with that outcome because part of me did feel guilty that it turned so ugly. I had no control over how other people shared the contest, got people to vote, etc and the other family was working just as hard to get the prize. Emotions ran high and at the end of the day, three innocent kids and two moms were in the middle of it. I didn't like it and I hear she didn't either.

But this decision is about so much more than that. I've been having glimpses into my own past and how much I hated the scrapbooks my mom made for us (don't worry, mom, I love them now!) I especially hated this one picture of me in 2nd grade where our teacher made us wear a stupid cowboy hat and vest and pose with our hip jetted out as part of a reading program (or something like that). I still remember that page in my scrapbook. It's the only picture on the bright yellow sheet and I used to dream about burning it, but I was too scared my mom would find out and I'd be grounded for life.

The funny thing is, is that it was just a scrapbook in my own little home. The world didn't see it. I'd venture to say that less than 20 people have ever seen that picture, but it brought so much turmoil to my 7 year old self. And then I think about this blog. There are thousands of pictures my girls on this blog. Thousands of words describing their tantrums, their milestones, and my frustrations and joys with them.

How are 7 year old Sophie and Lillian going to feel about that?

Now, this isn't to say that I'm against blogging or sharing your life through social media. I think it's great. I've learned so much from other blogs and from my own readers, it's made me a better mom and helped me not lose myself in motherhood.

But I can't let go of that nagging feeling that I've had for almost a year now. I think I need to go private. 

I think I've said it before, but I've always thought that going private was blogging suicide. I think I read maybe two private blogs on a regular basis. And that's a big maybe. When you go private, people don't get your updates in google reader or on their side bar and your readership falls drastically.

But does that matter? For someone who doesn't like an over amount of attention, I've had to ask myself why I blog. And I'm not sure what the answer is. So, I've decided that until I figure it out, I'm going to go private.

I don't want you to think that you can't come along though. Even if we've never met or if you hated me in middle school, or you hate me now, you can still continue reading. And I don't think I'll be private forever, but for now, it's what feels best. So, leave your email here or send me an email to my hotmail account and you can continue to read about the Mangelson twins. I'll probably give it a week or so (since I still am going to do a giveaway on Monday) and then this blog will be under lock and key.

Don't hate me for this, ok? Apparently I'm not alone in this. I was surprised to get on my google reader page after a few days and see that Busy Bee Lauren had gone private. Her blog is pretty big, WAY bigger than mine and even she went private.

And again, I don't think this will be a permanent thing. I've met so many amazing people through this blog and it makes me sad to do this, but for now, this is what's best. This has literally been on my mind for almost a year now and these last few weeks and a few specific events made me realize that now is the time.

So, enough rambling from me. If you want to keep reading while I go off the grid so to speak, leave me a message and I'll add you to the party.

Thanks for everything. My eyes have been full of tears as I've typed this. This blog has been amazing for me and I hope I don't stay in the shadows for too long.