I should be sleeping

*Disclaimer. This post ended up being a lot more of a rant than I intended it to be. Sorry, but it felt good to get it all out. I threw in some random twin pictures at the bottom to appease those that just come here to look at cute pictures. So be warned, this is a grumpy post...

I have a hard time sleeping when Josh is working the graveyard shift. Like a really hard time sleeping. I'm not sure why just having Josh next to me makes all the difference, but it's nights like this where my mind races a zillion miles a minute. I think about anything and everything and start to worry. I can be a big worrier, so sometimes being left alone with my thoughts isn't a good idea. Luckily, the things I'm currently worrying about aren't too big of a deal (well, I guess that's a matter of opinion...) but there are a few things that no matter how distracted I get, still hang over my head. It's frustrating because I know that worrying and thinking about situations I can't control doesn't do any good. In fact, it does harm. So how do I stop? Hopefully I figure it out. My sanity needs it... 

On a semi-related note, can I confess that I'm done with school? Mentally, I've completely checked out. I'm over it. I hate it. I don't want to continue. So why am I? Well, I'm about 3 classes away from getting my degree. Two stats classes and my capstone. That's it. I'm soooo close, but yet I feel like it's years away (maybe that's because it pretty much is) I'll be taking each of those classes, one at a time (thank you, pre-reqs) so it's going to be 3 more semesters. 3 looong semesters. Going to school when you're in a college town, surrounded by students isn't that bad. I really enjoyed the time in our marriage when Josh and I would both come home and do homework. We'd meet on campus and have lunch together. We'd wait for each other to get out of classes. We'd text about how boring our classes were. It was easy. And before that, I always had roommates that were going to school. It was motivating. I had friends in my classes, my coworkers were students, we talked about exams and upcoming breaks. 

Now? Nothing. It's just me and a computer screen. 

I hate that I don't have actual lectures and discussions to participate in. I hate that nobody I associate with is going to school (well, that's near me). I hate that I waited to take stats until the very, very end. Didn't I know how unmotivated I would be? Didn't I remember that I've already failed it, so I probably should have retaken it on campus where I'd have extra help? 

But mostly I hate that I'm not finished. It was really hard for me when Josh graduated. I actually cried a lot that day. You see, *I* should have graduated right along with him. That's when most people I went to high school with graduated. That's when my roommates graduated. Me? Nope. I did not. I was pretty down on myself that day and my mom was quick to remind me that I was growing two children. I guess I could have used that as an excuse, but guess what? It didn't matter. That had nothing to do with why I didn't have a cap on my head. The truth is that I failed two classes and there were some semesters that I only took 12 credits. Plus, I switched majors a time or two (ok, I guess just technically once, but I unofficially changed it twice). That's why I didn't graduate that day. Who cares that I was pregnant. I'm sure a lot of pregnant women graduated that day. My lack of graduating was my fault and my fault alone. And I feel like it's still my fault that I'm not done. Sure I haven't given up since having the girls and I've continued to go straight through, but I should have taken summer classes. I should have not put off stats. I should have pushed myself harder. Now, here I am unable to push myself anymore. The school won't let me. I've got to take at least 3 more semesters when I should have been done TWO YEARS ago. 

It makes me sick.

*Sigh* 

And now Lillian is crying. This girl needs to start sleeping through the night. I've been saying that since... the day she was born? She goes through phases where she'll sleep well for a week or so, but on average, she's up at least once or twice at night. I am tired. 

So how do I fix myself? How do I forget about my problems, finish school and get Lillian to sleep through the night? I've got about 7 more hours until I'm supposed to meet my friend to go running (granted, that's if the girls don't wake up when we're supposed to go) so I guess I have that long to mull it all over in my mind. Grrrrr... Who wants to come have a sleepover with me? I've got a king size bed and I'll even kick the giant stuffed animals out. ;)

And just for good measure, here's a couple of recent(ish) instagrams. If we're instagram buddies, these are old news. They're still cute though. Incredibly cute. Lillian is sporting the Mr. Potato Head glasses and Sophie is reading about Mr. Brown.

I just love them.

OH!
And on a very positive note, Regina Spektor's new album is really good. I've been listening to it all day and I've decided that I must see her in concert again. Specifically with this girl and her little sidekick, Hailey (who does have a blog, but hasn't written in over a year. Boo on her.). You can bet your bottom dollar that when Miss Spektor comes to Salt Lake again, we'll be there!